The First Letter

 
September 16, 1997
Dearest Duk Sook,
          There are so many things that I want to tell you, so many thoughts that I want to share with you, but I don’t know where to begin.  I was more than a little surprised to receive a letter from you, but I was also greatly pleased.
          Your letter greatly moved me, and touched my heart in a manner that I have been searching for for quite some time.  To say that I cried would be an understatement.  I shed tears of joy, happiness, understanding, frustration, compassion, sympathy, empathy…and the list goes on.  To finally hear your story in your own words, by your own desire was an honor.  To tell you the truth, I was taken aback by how much of your experience finally made clear, understandable and tangible a lot of the confusion and emptiness in my own life.  I have lived the past few years with no solid knowledge of why you suddenly disappeared from my life.  You were my dearest, truest friend.  And then, quite literally, one day you were gone, and I was left alone, hurt, and full of questions and fears.  I had originally thought that we became separated by the natural course of adolescent life—I went down one path and you another, all the while thinking, guessing, that your journey was parallel to my own, although perhaps not entirely similar.  I was naïve and ignorant of the truth, and, with hindsight, I am ashamed of my blindness.  I told myself a million times after reading your letter that, had I been a better friend to you, been more aware and alert to warning signs I now realize that you displayed, perhaps I could have somehow prevented you from being in danger and experiencing countless heartaches. 
          My own tales of occurrences during our childhood and teenage years would surprise you.  I actually traveled down the same nightmarish road as you did my dear, only later, and I was blessed enough to have been rescued before there was no hope left and no going back.  This again leads me to almost say that I could have helped you, but looking back, I know that we were both too scared of what the other might say, think, or do to genuinely reach out and admit that we endured profound struggles.
          Since receiving your letter, my mind has been on fire with recollections of the past: pictures, images of you and I at various stages of our young lives, involved in pertinent dreams and emotional upheavals.  The outpouring of memories from my brain overwhelms me; I am racing to find value and meaning for them all, in order to fully explain to you, my dear, sweet Duk Sook, my understanding of who you are, and of who I am as well.  But something else must be said first—I need to tell you (and I think that you probably need to hear this) that I love you, wholly and unconditionally.