The Fifth Letter

 
Friday, May 25, 2001                                                                                         10:27 PM
Dear Ducky,
            What do you do, Ducky, when you know someone is going to die?  When you know that the next time that you see them, it will be the last time that you do?  What do you do, Ducky, when you are afraid to even visit them, afraid to see them actually dying, afraid to see the tubes, afraid, afraid, afraid…?  What do you do when you know that the timing of this death is going to interfere with your finals and your new job?  Any other time would be a bad time to die—but this time right now is especially bad.  Even worse than that because I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I keep trying to ask others, but no one seems to know.  Or maybe no one wants to tell?  What do you do, Ducky, when this will be the first death you have ever had?  What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about it, when your whole body feels heavy and SLOW, SLOW, SLOW?  When you realize that what you are feeling is really a complete lack of feeling--it’s a feeling of apathy, of disinterest in absolutely everything?  What do you do when you feel angry?  When you feel furious and unfocused?  What do you do when you feel tired, when you’re just too dang tired to do anything at all?  What do you do when you feel empty, hollow, like a silly, clichéd little shell?  What do you do when you can’t stop writing, when your fingers hurt and your raging mind takes over?